2010-The good, The Bad and The Ugly--2011, bring on the good stuff!!

As 2010 draws to a close, looking back, it has been a long and painful year in many respects. The fibro monster reared its ugly head and took over my life for most of the year, affecting my health, my job, my marriage and other relationships.  I also lost one of the most important people in my life on 9/7/10, my grandma Kate.  Though she lived a long life and almost made it until her 94th birthday, her absence resonates.  2010 was also 5 years since my beloved sister Sabrina passed away. I don't feel as if I have been the same since her passing, as if part of me died with her.

Though it may seem if 2010 was a complete wash out, I did manage to have a few happy moments! I was able to lose quite a bit of weight by learning a lot more about fibromyalgia through the help of a nutritionist.  I got to be on stage again and in an indie film.  I made some wonderful new acquaintances, and reconnected with some old friends. We were blessed with the opportunity to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with our families who are all relatively healthy.  So many wonderful things were happening for my friends and acquaintances  as well this year and I was able to share the joy of new jobs, new houses, new relationships, and new babies although even vicariously.

My wish for 2011 is to find myself again.  I feel that I have gotten lost somehow over the years and I want to find happiness and inner peace. Whatever that is.

We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year's Day. Edith Lovejoy Pierce

Busy, Busy, Busy!

It has been almost 2 months since I have written in this particular blog, but life has been extremely busy.  Trying to feel better, trying to be more active...all has taken up a lot of my writing time!

I have lost over 40 pounds since the end of February, due in part to the anti-inflamatory diet I have been on since the beginning of April, which you can read about in my other blog What's Eating Danielle. I am happy to have lost the weight, I still have a lot more to go, but it is a great start and am proud of myself!

I also started auditioning again.  Every time we go see a show, I remember what it was like being on stage, and I wanted to have that feeling again!  I have had three auditions so far for plays and one audition for an indie film.  They all went well, and am waiting on the outcome--I hate waiting!!  The first audition was for Pittsburgh Shakespeare in the Parks, Much Ado About Nothing.   I wasn't as prepared for my audition as I should have been (i.e. didn't have my monologues completely memorized) and I didn't get in.  I was not upset.  It was my first audition in a long time. I was proud of my self for going!  My second audition was for McCaffery Mysteries, Inc., a non-profit murder mystery dinner theater company who donates some of their profits to local charity organizations.  Hopefully I will be doing a show with them in September.  Lastly, I auditioned for Fairest, the Black Tale of Snow White with Rage of the Stage Players.  I have seen a few of their shows, and love the twisted fairytales!! My audition went very well, so hopefully I will hear a positive outcome soon!

The pain has not let up much, unfortunately.  I am scheduled to start a six week pain management program on 6/23 and hopefully will be back to work some time in August.I have been fighting with the short term disability company and have to appeal, so money has been extremely tight.  The doctors don;t want me to return to work until I have completed the pain management program, yet they fail to send in the disability paperwork--this whole process has been a nightmare!!! I am in a ton of pain and so stressed out!  I wish I felt better and was able to go back to work, but right now I can't, and my job does not have work from home or part time for people in my position, so I just will have to play the waiting game.

I pray that this pain management program will help ease the pain that I have been experiencing over the past few months.  In the almost 10 years I have had fibromyalgia, this is the worst that I have felt and I hope that I never have to go through this again!!

Calgon, Take Me Away!!!

I have been in severe pain the past few days, perhaps I over did it on the weekend, and now I am paying the price.   Tired, extreme pain, etc, etc, etc. What else is new?????  On the bright side, I just started seeing a holistic health counselor, which you can read about in my other blog What's Eating Danielle,  who put me on an anti-inflammatory diet, which I started today. Hopefully everything I have been doing thus far, and will continue to do, along with this new diet, continued exercise and additional measures that will be recommended after my evaluations with the pain clinic, will get my body back on track and I can manager the fibromyalgia like I was before this setback.

Healing the Mind, Helping the Body!

I have had a great few days!!! Though still in a lot of pain, my mental attitude has improved significantly and allowed me to have some fun finally, after almost two months of misery!

Friday night, I went out with my husband for a bit to a Four Square event.  He is very social media and tech savvy and it is important for us to support each other's very different interests.  We did not stay very long because there were bad storms passing through, but at least we got out of the house for a little while!

Saturday we spent the day with my family with my parents, grandmother and 3 year old nephew Giovanni, who we love very much!! He is so smart, energetic, and just brightens up our lives!! Chris and I hope to have a child in the next few years, once we get our health and finances in order, but if it is not in the cards, at least we already have a wonderful little boy to spoil!! After that, I went home and passed out for the night while Chris went to the movies with his best friend.

Today Chris and I went our separate ways-he to watch the penguins with his friends and I to a birthday celebration with my friends.  Our plan was to originally go to a bit of both together, but since  I am not a huge sports fan and he did not know most of the people at the party,  we went to our own events and enjoyed ourselves immensely!

I know that my recent illness has affected our marriage.  I am irritable and in extreme pain.  My husband is loving, caring, and supportive, but does not understand my illness. He felt bad to leave me to go out with friends and I have had to yell at him to make him go out. As a person who has lived with this illness for almost 10 years, and lived alone for 5 years,  I am not used to people wanting to constantly  take care of me. I know its a part of marriage that I need to get used to, a partnership, but I have always been financially and socially independent.  I married my husband because I love him and because we have been through a lot together, not to have him take care of me!  This issue however for another time....

All in all, fabulous weekend!!  Meeting with the nutritionist tomorrow and started a new blog What's Eating Danielle to track the nutrition part of the journey.

You Are What You Eat

I had a very wonderful meeting today with a Holistic Health Counselor.  I found her company,  Full Well , through a Facebook link.  I chose to meet with her, because as I am on this journey to a happier, healthier life, I know that my eating habits are not the best.  I want to lose weight, have more energy, take control of my life back from the fibromyalgia, and PCOS that has plagued me for years!

Leah has also struggled with the Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue issues, so I am interested to learn from her how she has healed herself through nutrition and lifestyle changes. I know that changing established routines and ways of eating may be hard at first.  But I am ready to face this challenge head on!  This time that I have had off, I have begun to take better care of myself, to listen to my body, and lost 24 pounds in the process, but that is just the first step.

I am hoping to never have another relapse like this again! I have learned so much about myself, and I am learning more every day.  My mind is open to new possibilities, and hopefully a healthier, happier new me will be debuting to the world within the next few months!!

If I Were...

Borrowed from fellow blogger F B:

If I Were:

If I were a month I would be August.

If I were a day I would be Friday.

If I were a time of day I would be 5 PM.

If I were a font I would be Playbill.

If I were a sea animal I would be a dolphin.

If I were a direction I would be Southwest.

If I were a piece of furniture I would be a leopard chaise lounge.

If I were a liquid I would be a glass of Riesling or a Pomegranate Martini.

If I were a gemstone I would be Aquamarine.

If I were a tree I would be a Mighty Oak.

If I were a writing tool I would be a gel pen.

If I were a flower I would be a bright Gerber daisy.

If I were an element of weather I would be a cooling rain on a hot summer day.

If I were a musical instrument I would be a trombone.

If I were a color I would be burnt orange.

If I were an emotion I would be contentment.

If I were a fruit I would be a pomegranate.

If I were a sound I would be merriment.

If I were an element I would be Lithium.

If I were a car I would be classic.

If I were a food I would be a dark chocolate cupcake.

If I were a place I would be Disney World.

If I were a material I would be wool.

If I were a taste I would be zesty.

If I were a scent I would be cotton candy.

If I were a body part I would be your voice.

If I were a song I would be sung by Ani DiFranco

If I were a bird I would be a sparrow.

If I were a gift I would be personalized.

If I were a city I would be Pittsburgh.

If I were a door I would be open.

If I were a pair of shoes I would be comfortable, flat and funky.

If I were a poem I would be Phenomenal Woman by Maya Angelou:

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies. I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size But when I start to tell them, They think I'm telling lies. I say, It's in the reach of my arms The span of my hips, The stride of my step, The curl of my lips. I'm a woman Phenomenally. Phenomenal woman, That's me. I walk into a room Just as cool as you please, And to a man, The fellows stand or Fall down on their knees. Then they swarm around me, A hive of honey bees. I say, It's the fire in my eyes, And the flash of my teeth, The swing in my waist, And the joy in my feet. I'm a woman Phenomenally. Phenomenal woman, That's me. Men themselves have wondered What they see in me. They try so much But they can't touch My inner mystery. When I try to show them They say they still can't see. I say, It's in the arch of my back, The sun of my smile, The ride of my breasts, The grace of my style. I'm a woman Phenomenally. Phenomenal woman, That's me. Now you understand Just why my head's not bowed. I don't shout or jump about Or have to talk real loud. When you see me passing It ought to make you proud. I say, It's in the click of my heels, The bend of my hair, the palm of my hand, The need of my care, 'Cause I'm a woman Phenomenally. Phenomenal woman, That's me. What would you be?

A Glimmer of Hope

In my quest to return to my normal way of life, I have been doing everything imaginable to try to get better.  Water Aerobics, Chiropractic, Massage, Therapy, you name it, I am doing it!  Along with resting a lot, eating right and trying to move around as much as possible, I hope these positive changes will make a difference in the way that I feel!!

Today, I found out that I am severely Vitamin D deficient, and that possibly could be contributing to my increased pain and fatigue I have been experiencing the past few months.  My doctor prescribed me 50,000 IU of Vitamin D for the next 8 weeks, so hopefully that will get my levels where they should be, I will have more energy and less pain, as long as I continue everything else that I am doing as well.  

Hopefully this new information will be key on the road to recovery and getting my life back so that I can focus on my goals again!

I Love My Husband!!!

Our first 7 months of marriage have been filled with many ups and downs, mainly because of me.  I thank my husband for standing by me through everything.  In sickness and in health, for richer and for poorer, as long as we both shall live!

To My Husband:

• I love your beautiful blue eyes and the way you look at me
• I love your quiet and unassuming manner
• I love the way that you are always trying to clam me down and get me to relax
• I love how laid back and easy going you are
• Thank you for being there for the good and bad times
• Though this is a rough patch, I am confident things will get better, I will get better soon
• I love you with all of my heart!

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."

— Marilyn Monroe

When Life Gives You Lemons...

Expect trouble as an inevitable part of life, and when it comes, hold your head high, look it quarely in the eye and say, 'I will be bigger than you. You cannot defeat me.'--Ann Landers

It's been a rough few days dealing with the Fibro monster.  I have barely been able to get out of bed due to the stiffness, pain and constant migraines. But, I must go on, I cannot let this disease defeat me! 

My brain is telling me to do more, to clean, to try to regain some normalcy in my life.  But my body is resisting. It has been a month since this recent relapse, and I am still no closer to finding out the exact cause.  Was it the medication increase, then withdrawal, is it just the fibromyalgia flaring up, or is there something else wrong?? All I can do at this point is keep exercising, watch what I eat, rest as much as possible and try to keep a positive outlook on my situation.  

Although I am ill, I am thankful for the ability to move around, for a loving, caring husband and family and supportive friends. Some people have none of these!  I thank God everyday for all that I have been blessed with and giving me the strength carry on! I pray that one day soon, they can figure out what caused this illness and put me on a path to recovery!

29-Day Giving Challenge

By giving,” Mbali told her, “you are focusing on what you have to offer others, inviting more abundance into your life.”--Cami Walker-29 Day Giving Challenge

I am always working on myself, but I enjoy helping others better their lives as well. Whether it be helping a friend with a resume, find someone an awesome new job, or helping someone feel better about themselves by suggesting a new look; these are the things that I enjoy immensely and want to do more of!

In the spirit of helping myself and helping others, I joined the 29 Gifts Movement.  Thanks to my friend  S's blog for introducing me to this site! It is as simple as lending a hand, donating a clothing, or even just smiling at someone.  


Today I made a promise to myself to do more every day! As I am working through my illness, I cannot forget those that depend on me and need me to be well.  I cooked my husband and myself a healthy, filling meal and spent some much needed quality time with him.  This is day one, we shall see what tomorrow brings!

“You give but little when you give of your possessions. It is when you give of yourself that you truly give.”

Kahlil Gibran

What Get's You Through A Bad Time is Not Necessarily A Good Thing!

Basically, I'm for anything that gets you through the night - be it prayer, tranquilizers or a bottle of Jack Daniels. -- Frank Sinatra

I have been learning a lot about myself lately and how I cope with my illness, stress, disappointment; or rather the lack thereof in my coping skills. The following vices that I have used in the past to get me through a hard time are not the answer to my problems:

• Compulsive Shopping/Spending- overspending at a sale, buying unnecessary items, having no where to put your stuff because your cabinets/drawers/closets are too full , having clothes in the closet with tags still on them that were never worn, too late to return.
• Binging on a good day or bad day is not the answer.  There are other less expensive ways to reward or console yourself on a bad day. There is no reason to have so many unworn clothes!  There is no reason to buy new clothes while I am losing weight because hopefully in a few months, they won't fit anyway. Buy ONLY WHAT IS NECESSARY!!!  Need to take care of the items that I have and get rid of unworn/unused items and focus on getting rid of and de-cluttering and not bring anything more into the house until it is absolutely necessary!
• Excessive Drinking-Enjoying a drink every once in a while with friends is not a bad thing, but it can get expensive, especially when I can't just have one martini, mojito, or glass of wine. A few drinks may make me feel better for the moment, but are expensive and not the cure for a bad day or the key to having a good time!
• Drinking is not necessary to have a good time! Often being sober is more entertaining because you can be the one to explain what people don't remember happening. I rarely drink any more, but I am reflecting on past behaviors. Once the house is in order, I hope to spend more time having friends to the house, using the alcohol we already have and saving money rather than costly nights out!
• Eating Poorly/Overeating-You need to eat to live, not live to eat! I enjoy eating out with friends and family but I know that my food choices are not always healthy. Eating the wrong foods only aggravate my stomach problems. Though it may tast good going down, often it leaves my body soon after and was not worth the money or the few minutes of pleasure!
• Stuffing my feelings with food is not an answer.  Rewarding yourself with food is not the answer.  Munching on junk all day is not the answer.  Food is needed to nourish your body, but chosing the right foods is necessary for weight loss.  This is the next thing that I am working on in my journey, eating better for weight loss and to feel better!!

So what are some activities that won't get me into trouble:

• Cleaning and getting rid of clutter
• Curling up with a good book 
• Cuddling with my husband
• Coffee and conversation with my girlfriends
• Swimming and Water Aerobics
• Walking
• Writing
• Volunteering 
• Relaxing
• Stretching

I am a work in progress. I am constantly evolving a person!  The first step is recognizing that there is a problem.  The next step is getting help and figuring out how to make things better! 

Hurts So Good!

Pain (any pain--emotional, physical, mental) has a message. The information it has about our life can be remarkably specific, but it usually falls into one of two categories: "We would be more alive if we did more of this," and, "Life would be more lovely if we did less of that." Once we get the pain's message, and follow its advice, the pain goes away.    --Peter McWilliams

I am determined to regain my strength and get back to my normal routine as soon as possible!  I am making some progress, if not just one step at a time.  I had a neurologist appointment today and thankfully there is nothing more serious wrong than mild neuropathy and the fibromyalgia that has plagued me for years.

After a medication reaction sent me that sent me into a month long downward spiral, I am slowly but surely regaining some of my energy.  I think that moving around and getting regular exercise has helped quite a bit, even if I am in pain afterwards.  I walked 17 city blocks today in some pain, and I am proud of myself! I also managed to complete the second class of Water Aerobics, also swimming a bit before and afterwards.

I know that exercising makes me feel good  and that no matter how much it hurts, is something I need to do every day, even just for a little bit!  Now, I have to get the eating in check. Because I have not been feeling well enough to do much of anything, we have been eating a lot of fast foods, which defeat the purpose of this journey.  This weekend I will attempt to make some healthy meals for next week.

I feel good about the progress that I am making so far and feel confident that with each day I will become stronger!  I still have a lot to work on, but my health is my main concern at this moment.  Once I have that in order, hopefully everything else will fall into place!

Working Through the Pain

"No matter who you are, no matter what you do, you absolutely, 

positively do have the power to change."

~Bill Phillips~

Last night was my first water aerobics class. I have been in so much pain lately that I have not been able to do much of anything, let alone exercise! But in an effort to get my strength back, to start moving again, and to help me feel better, I started water aerobics!

There were several flights of steps to get to the lockers and changing area, which aggravated my injured hip and knee, but I made it!  The class is from 5:45-6:30 T, TH.  Another woman and my self were probably the youngest in the class, early thirties, and the rest of the class was early 40's-70's.  If an older woman with a cane could keep up, so could I!

The class was enjoyable!! The instructor played hip hop music, which I like to work out to.  We did a lot of stretching, jogging, weights, etc.  I felt good while I was exercising.  But when I came home, that was another story!! I was so stiff and in so much pain, I was miserable!

No matter how much pain I am in, I have to keep moving!!  I am not going to give up! I am going back to WA tomorrow night, but I am going to go to class early to swim first and get my muscles and joints loosened up. I know that diet and exercise will help me relieve stress and cope with my illness!  This is for my health and I need to be able to walk and move around!  I know that I can do this!!!

I Won!!!

In my quest to live a happier, healthier life, I have been reading and blogging a lot lately.  One of the blogs I found was Quarter Life Finances, where the author is trying to avoid a quarter-life crisis by getting her finances and life in order.  To celebrate the 2 year anniversary of her blog, she was giving away a book called  SHOO, Jimmy Choo! and my comment won!


I am quite happy!! I do not usually win anything, so perhaps this is a sign of more positive things to come!  Thanks QL Girl!

Crunching Some Numbers

I re-joined Spark People today so that I would have a place to track my progress on my fitness and weight loss goals:

• Get to my ideal weight by 1/1/12
• I need to consume between 1650-2000 calories/day
• 186-325 grams of carbs/day
• 37-78 grams of fat/day
• 60-175 grams protein/day
• To lose one U.S. pound (.454 kg), you must burn 3,500 more calories than you take in as food
• I need to burn 1170 calories/week 
• Swimming/Water aerobics-1 hr burns 679.68 calories Calorie Calculator Calorie Count
• I plan on doing Water Aerobics twice weekly Tuesday and Thursday and possibly swimming on the weekends
• Walking -1hr at a 3.0 Mph, Level, Moderate Pace, Firm Surface burns 560 calories

That is the plan so far!   Water Aerobics on Tuesday!  Here is to the start of a brand new lease on life!!

Big Changes on the Horizon

I feel as though I am thinking more clearly than  I have in quite some time.  Having a chronic illness, like fibromyalgia, can be extremely debilitating, if you let it take over your life. I have chosen to take my life back from this uncomfortable illness!

Beginning Tuesday, I will be attending water aerobics twice a week.  I am also looking into gentle yoga classes.   I am tired of being sick and tired.  This is my year to change my life for the better!!!

Crazy Love, Crazy Life

Things I have learned so far in our six months of marriage:

• Communication is an essential part of any successful relationship.  
• Though we may communicate differently (i get worked up and he gets quiet) we know that the best way to deal with any situation is to talk about our feelings and work things out.
• Opposites do attract!
• Though our personalities and interests are very different, we respect those differences and learn from each other.We would be boring if we liked all of the same things!
• Living with a boy is hard work! Let me rephrase that, living with ANYONE is hard work!
• Neither of us are neat freaks,  our situation might have been easier moving into a new place together, instead of one I shared with my late sister. Hopefully once we de-clutter, things will be much better!
• Letting yourself love and be loved is the greatest feeling in the world! 
• It took me a long time to let this happen
• I love going to bed and waking up every morning with my best friend!
• Even though he snores and goes to bed later than I do, it is wonderful to be held and have someone to come home to! 

A marriage, like anything else, takes hard work, communication, patience and understanding. It is well worth waiting for! It is well worth fighting for!!

“A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person”

Another Year Older...

So I am 33 today on a beautiful St. Patrick's Day in Pittsburgh! Though I am not feeling up to celebrating today, I feel confident that I will be better soon!! Adjusting my attitude is just one of the steps I am taking to better my life this year!

I received some wonderful gifts from my husband and his family, a singing phone call from my dad, and an overwhelming amount of birthday love on my Facebook page , texts and emails. I am blessed to have such wonderful family and friends!

It is a great day to be alive, some are not so lucky to have this privilege. I am remembering my friend Jamie from high school who was murdered in S Korea 9 years today. You may be gone from our lives but in our hearts forever!

Drink responsibly today my friends, enjoy the sunshine and Happy St. Paddy's Day!

Under the Covers and Dreaming

“Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined". Henry David Thoreau

I have always had big ideas and dreams. But they have always been just that. I often lose my self in my thoughts about what could be and sometimes lose focus on what is. Sometimes I am afraid to take chances, I often make mistakes and am forever questioning my decisions. I find it so much easier to help others than to help myself. I am always trying to discover exactly who I am and what I want to be when I grow up!! I think we all feel this way at some point, but its time for a change!

Words that describe me:

• ambitious
• beautiful
• creative
• over-confident
• space cadet
• dreamer
• wife
• sister
• aunt
• friend
• lover
• messy
• outgoing
• unfocused
• vain
• loud

I love:

• my husband
• my family
• my friends

I enjoy:

• coffee and conversation
• good food
• good friends
• performing
• planning events
• public speaking
• reading
• training
• writing

I would love to be:

• an actress
• a published author
• a motivational speaker
• a personal and professional development consultant

I need to:

• lose weight
• get healthy
• exercise more
• stay focused
• gain stability
• realize my dreams
• think less and do more

As my 33rd birthday approaches tomorrow, I accept the challenge that a new year of life will bring! With my goals at my fingertips, I look positively to the future. Now is a good time as any to become the person that I aspire to be and help others with that mission as well!

Baby Steps

I have made a bit of progress on a few of my goals that I made in my first post:

• I lost 18 of the 100 pounds I want to lose, 82 more to go!
• I am working on ridding the house of clutter, one room at a time.

“Progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.”

George Bernard Shaw

A New Lease On Life

“I think I’ve discovered the secret of life – you just hang around until you get used to it”.

Charles M. Schulz

I am trying to live the best life that I know how. I will be 33 in a few weeks, and it seems there is clock is ticking inside of me to get settled and figure out what I want to be when I grow up! Tick, Tick, tick….time to start making/living the life that I want!!

I am going to use this blog to track my goals and aspirations and to celebrate my accomplishments and reflect on my failures. For the remainder of 2010-2012, I would like to:

• get healthier
• exercise more
• reach ideal weight by 1-1-12 without surgery!
• get rid of the clutter and negativity in my life
• start saving for the future
• start my own business
• write a novel
• volunteer more
• get back into acting
• strengthen relationships with friends and family
• start a family
• help others fulfill their dreams

As time goes on, I will elaborate on these goals and my progress, but for now, this is what I am working on the next few years. Wish me luck!!